Finally finally finally

Today's gotta be the best for me to close this first chapter of 2012 in KTJ.

I got a 17 out of 25 for my history essay today.

FINALLY! THERE'S A SIGN OF MY HARD WORK BEING PAID OFF!!!!!!!!

Oh god, I think I'm getting tired of giving in, keep working keep working but I got nothing in return.

After all these disappointments, I'm extremely grateful to achieve this mark, well, it's still not very high, but I was still surprised to be able to achieve it, I mean, never would I thought I would have that!

nothing could make my day better today :DDD

and yes, finally, my prayers are answered.

THIS achievement, means that I'm on the right track, the right direction.

and now I can lay back and just focus on working towards that direction :)

indeed, I got that ONE THING!

After renovating my blog, I realised there's still a problem in it.
Language.
I guess next time I shall separate my chinese and english posts into 2 different blogs.

Sorry for the incovenience x)

脑袋里现在有好多话想说，可是还是决定别去想它。

想它又能怎样。

我觉得，现在不由得我说“我要”，只能停留在“我能”地带徘徊。

钱。都是钱作怪。

只有钱，才能让我有权利说“我要”，而不仅仅限于“我能”。

我不怪谁，自己不是生于一个富裕的家庭。我感恩自己现在的家庭。

现在我能做的只有努力和祈祷。

永远永远，一辈子都不相信努力最终得不到成果；

成果未得，只在于自己的努力不够。

我相信老天和家人朋友，都是疼爱我的。

现在，我只祈求自己的努力是足够的；

足以让我得到自己理想的成果。

好吧~是时候努力了:)

Happy :)

tsk tsk tsk

now only I realised how passive is my previous posts. Sure I do have positive ones, but...wow!

Now looking back it is surprising!

I don't remember feeling that devastated actually....xD

I guess I'm in a pretty good mood recently!

I shall post more about my happy life :)

but not today...maybe next week holidays..just not this week xP

Untangle the knot

I used to have a dream too.

I'm not saying that I'm giving it up now. I'm going to say that, I wouldn't mind if I gave it up, if I could get money and a stable life in exchange.

Will I be happy? Well~I can't guarantee that. I can only visualize myself putting on a smile everyday, expecting an average amount of happiness in my daily life.

But imagine if I chose my dream over a normal average life.

I might endure hardships and struggle that have me sighing and probably crying all day. But, I would be expecting laughter and tears with abundance of happiness, being blessed that you've experienced something that is extremely precious and priceless.

Sometimes, I hate myself for accepting the cruel reality. For following everyone just to be "normal". I think that my dreams only belong to losers.

I've succumbed to "what if..." dare not imagine myself being the outlier, refuse to believe in miracles happen. But I want my effort to bear fruit! A guaranteed one. I dare not commit or work hard in something that I have no faith in, even though I really liked it.

Just watched the school's musical just now. It brought me back a few bittersweet memories when I first came here. The sweet ones are those when I remembered how beautiful was Saiful's singing, that was my first time seeing him singing, it was MIND-BLOWING. The bitter ones are when I was so determined to be involved in the cast of the musical after I watched the other musical at the beginning of my time here. I succumbed.

Succumbed to the lack of time for studies, I couldn't bear the risk.

But look at them, look at my friend. He came later than me, he just joined because he wants the experience, the thrill! Don't care if this takes up a lot of time, as long as he manages it well~In the end, they've got the one that I wished I had.

Not just about the musical, but after seeing a few cases in this school, among people, I realized that to achieve our dreams, if we work hard enough it'll DEFINITELY pay off. It not just merely rely on miracles anymore! Might not be before 30, might be when we're 80, but who cares! If we've experienced that in life, we die without regrets right?

Looking back with the days where I refused everything with the silly excuse of studying, I wasted my time. I didn't really pay attention to my studies because it wasn't my number 1 interests. In the end, nothing really paid off. I know I wouldn't be "multi-tasking" if I were doing singing or vocal stuff. I will work my butt off just to guarantee a 100% result that I'm satisfied with. SEE! I can do it! I can work as hard as others!

I don't know if this is true, but I guess it's in we Malaysian blood, particularly students, we could do anything even though we don't really enjoy or just simply hate it. We still achieve results as if we were geniuses. So I guess I can do it, you know, though I didn't really like studying, but I enjoy learning! I think I could get through studying smoothly, no more regrets and pain anymore :)

I used to see studying and getting good grades is just like being a slave to our parents, being manipulated which ever way they like. Now no more. I rather see it as the best way for me to pay back all their efforts for me. It's not even enough actually. So yeah! After paying back my parents, it's time for me to pay back for myself, achieving things that I want to, enjoying things that I want to!

Speaking about miracles, I used to think it as something silly and ridiculous and childish. But now I guess, it wasn't that bad after all. I guess it's just like the sparkle, the moment that makes life and the world more beautiful :D

I never know why I would fall for that person. The most confusing crush ever ><

自由

我还在痴痴地等春天在我离开前快降临学校啊！！！

很想让自己沉浸于孙燕姿《完美的一天》的音乐世界里……

偏偏眼前就给我一篇Cuban Missile Crisis的作文交叉着手等着我将它完成 ><

哼！现在好好努力吧！以后，自由就属于我了，而不是我属于自由。

在《读者》里看到这句：

自由，不是有权利去做自己想做的事，而是有权利不去做不想做的事 :)

Love Me Not

when someone acknowledges your actions out of love, they will see you as a lover and be touched;

when someone doesn't acknowledge your actions out of love, they will see you as a stalker acting by the name of love :/

好人好事

今天做了一件好事。很开心。

朋友难过成绩没有达到理想的目标，哭了还骗我说没有。

安慰了她。原本要在房里一个人emo，逼他出来陪我吃饭。

（忽然觉得自己好伟大 rf）

吃晚饭回家路上，忽然说，我离开学校后会很想念我 xDDD

几爽下~（perasan mode on)

很满意。觉得自己至少没浪费掉这一天。

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要省时间的后果。原谅我这篇写得比小孩子还差 XP

省时间

最近功课似乎多了很多，也觉得很疲惫，就算是睡觉都会梦到还未完成的东西。

犹记得，我在醒来之前梦见自己在填奖学金表格时，提交后才发现自己在科目那项填上了Buddhist Society.

OHMAIGAWD.

本想好好睡多点的我，就这样睡意全消了，醒来才发现原来表格还未提交~

而且，我发现我这个人东西累积得越多，就会越懒惰，一味地只想逃避。

所以这篇文章是来提醒自己时间的宝贵！

犹记得在中国的时候，一天内能完成多少东西，即便是一天里需坐5小时的车从杭州到义乌，

那天所做的东西，应该还比我现在一天内所完成的东西。

哈！亏我每次回家虽然只需2小时，但觉得整天玩完了！在中国的日子实在是不可思议啊~

在中国虽然只有短短的8天，但每一天，应该是我人生中所做过最多的东西。

从来东不曾想象一天内能完成那么多任务！而且一天内居然能学到这么多新东西！

绝对是我人生中过得最充实的8天！

刚刚冲完凉去吃饭然回到房间，居然才用一个小时！感觉好像3小时过了~

所以，我也没想到一小时内能完成那么多东西！

要是平时在房间里，偷看一部电影半小时，上3个网站，1小时就这样过去了~

你看！看下facebook打2篇文章，45分钟过了。

我想是速度的关系吧~

我这2个星期的任务，就是加快速度！在每一个小小的地方加速，

譬如说，刷牙~（我刷牙时很爱对镜子摆甫士 rf），吃饭啊~冲凉啊~

只有我达到目标，我就能有多点时间给其他较重要的东西，

像是，睡觉啊~做功课啊~

以一个经济学家的角度来解释，就是用这些一点一点存下来的时间来和需要更多时间的地方交易，得来的利润会加倍！

《罗马。许愿池》by 彪民

我走出了地铁站，沿着手里的路线图，从西班牙台阶，穿过热闹的行人街，终于看到罗马闻名世界的许愿池。许愿池前人潮汹涌。游客非常多。好不容易找到一个空位，转身，闭上眼睛，诚心的许愿，右手从前至后划出一道弧线…. 然后听到银角投入水面的扑通声响，紧接着是碰击喷泉底的叮咚响声。

闭上双眼后，脑海里浮现的画面，是上个星期一早上，电脑银幕里，通过网络电话看到的哥哥的模样。如此陌生，如此脆弱。举止动作与思想都完全不象那个口齿伶俐聪明理性的30几岁男人。他，认不出我了。妈妈说，他上个星期一觉醒来就变成这个样子。仿佛变成了一个只有三岁智力的小孩。医生诊断，他脑中风。血管爆裂积血损坏了脑部，导致智力受严重影响。此时的他，真的只有3-5岁孩童的理解能力。

我忽然觉得，自己逃跑的时机来了。一个只有三岁智力的哥哥，再也无法像从前一样主宰我的生活了！

哥哥比我大12年，我10岁那年，哥哥送了一把小提琴给我，送我去上小提琴课。他还说，他为我设了一个升学信托基金，以后要送我去小提琴发源地～意大利学音乐！当时候只知道，出国升学一定很好玩。于是答应哥哥努力实践往意大利升学的目标。

我们的爸妈是小贩，哥哥中学毕业后在股票经纪行找到了一分工作。哥哥是一个聪明能干又勤劳的经纪，当时候股市大起，赚了不少钱。哥哥没有买车子或洋房，他将赚到的钱，全都注入我的教育基金户头。

对于学小提琴，我一开始很喜欢，只是哥哥定下每天练琴2小时的时间表，令我失去了很多玩乐的时间。开始觉得练琴很苦闷。为了练琴的事情和哥哥吵过很凶很凶的架。哥哥总是半哄半骗的说服我。

初中一那一年，哥哥为我报名参加一个比赛，我不但得奖，还获得前辈的赞赏。我也因此对小提琴有多一点热忱。中学毕业以后，我顺利考近意大利阿德里亚著名的音乐学院。上飞机前，哥哥给了我一个小包裹。我在飞机将它打开，发现里面全都是哥哥的心情笔记，他收集的资料，一张画着他向往的意大利旅程路线图。

看着他的笔记，我那个时候才知道，最想到意大利学小提琴的人，是哥哥。然而，他小时候家里的经济情况根本不允许他学音乐，更别说出国升学。我忽然觉得，我原来是在过他想要我过的生活。他将自己无法实践的理想寄托在我身上，我的意愿从小就被他左右着。我只是他的布偶！我，一直活在他的影子里。

我生气。也很挣扎。但是学费交了。钱花了。我再不开心，都不能那么任性。于是还是硬着头皮撑下去。只是，我常会想，如果没有哥哥，我是不是会有不一样的生活。

一直到上个星期，哥哥出事后，我忽然感觉自己被释放了。我知道自己这样很糟糕，但是我不禁觉得，这时老天给我的机会。我开始策划着要如何休学，要如何为自己安排自己想要的生活。要寻找那个没有哥哥影响的原来的我。但是我想，也许该代哥哥做最后一件他想做的事。

于是我拿出他的意大利旅程路线图，沿着他的笔记和路线，从阿德里亚来到罗马。他说要在西班牙台阶晒晒太阳、我坐在梯级上，在微凉的风中体会阳光的温暖。他要喝喝在台阶前喷泉的水；我弯腰拱手，尝了清凉的泉水。他要沿前方的那一条街走下去、找寻罗马许愿池…. 然后将右手上的银角往左肩膀后抛到许愿池中…. 因为这样许的愿望都会实践的。

路线图的许愿池旁，他写着几个字：小弟快乐。…… 那是他唯一的心愿啊。

许愿池前人潮汹涌。游客非常多。好不容易找到一个空位，我转身，闭上眼睛，诚心的许愿，右手从前至后划出一道弧线…. 然后听到银角投入水面的扑通声响，紧接着是碰击喷泉底的叮咚响声。

原本我打算许的愿望是：还我自由。然而，我听到自己说的是：哥哥康复。

那一刻，我忽然了解，我不需要挣脱哥哥的影子。我没有必要因此不快乐。他向往的，他为我成就的，是他认为唯一可以挣脱不快乐的方式。他的不快乐，来自他无法实践愿望的苦涩。而我此刻的不快乐，只是来自想挣脱哥哥的叛逆情绪啊。

我想起我拉琴得奖的快乐。在学院得到教授与同学的肯定的快乐。在音乐里享受着旋律的快乐…. 哥哥老早看到了我的天分。他知道他追求的快乐，就是我能享受的快乐啊。

我就连这样走着他画下的旅程路线图，也觉得好自在，好快乐…. 好幸福啊。

哥哥要康复。一定要康复。你一定要看见我的快乐。

～～～～～～～～

故事：彪民

故事纯属虚构，欢迎转载分享。

On air录音版：http://www.myaudiocast.com/pmwang/episode/10750/

考完试后的时间

今天看了很久就想看的In Time.朋友都说看了这部戏会感觉分秒必争，所以觉得，嗯！我真的很需要看这种戏！
不过咧~老实说看完了，我只有想奔跑的感觉=.=
就想像戏里狂奔，感觉实在痛快啊x)
嗯……这部戏还算不错啦！整体来说，其实是一部非常有创意的一部戏，不过演员的演技实在差！
就觉得很刻板，一点都不配合电影的生气、的快速！
而且不知道为什么，反而觉得坏人说的都是实话，而好人只是一味幼稚的举动。
就像电影里，女主角的老爸告诉男女主角-
你这样抢时间的行动，可以给人快乐，一代或两代；过了以后，全部都会还原现在的状态。
的确，男女主角如此鲁莽的举动，一味地以为这样子把所有的资产免费分享给他人，就是为别人带来幸福；
但完全没想过这样只会带来短暂的幸福，而还会招惹更大祸害。除非，他们几千年后还活着，还能过维持所创造的幸福，那就另有其言。

我想应该是读了太多经济，今天还考经济，完全是百分百的经济学家！
对人生中的如果，如果有这多好……有那多好……那种无法实现的幻想，
已经不存在任何能重新点燃的希望了。
那些……已被我归纳为……幼稚的思想，或是吃饱没事做。
对那些能够用逻辑解释，却听起来残酷的事实，已经默默地接受了。
听起来好苦涩诶！搞什么emo嘛！

无论如何，嗯……今天，我最讨厌又最享受的double maths班，第二个人退了。
我还以为我会是第二个，我想现在应该退成第三个了吧~
感觉最糟的是，那位朋友还是班上里的“催笑弹”
不知道……总觉得他一开口就会让我笑个不停的。
啊~明天的班里没有他，不知道会怎样？

现在每个人为了多点时间专注于重要的科目。
一个两个都开始drop subject了。
嗯……虽然知道，大家都住在同一个地方，每天都能见面，但还是会想念~
想念那些一起上课的日子，觉得……班上少了一个人，怪怪的~
特别是double maths class,不管我的数学有多差
我觉得我在那班里是能得到最多欢乐的。

像今天的charmaine: joke in a joke, JOKE-CEPTION.
够力下~
还有nicole: is this chapter supposed to make sense?
Nicole，我很久就想问这个问题了。

是因为住在同一个环境里太久了吗？
太依赖这些人了吗？
也对，去年，我人生80%是在这里过的，怎能不想念呢？
还是因为没得去英国的关系？所以更加想念~
如果能去英国的话，就不会那么地想念了吧~

唉！不能现在搞emo啊！要快点斩断那种思绪！
我斩！……断！
要emo等考完试再慢慢emo，大把时间给我emo.

对了！今天还要说的是，
刚刚很感谢Petronas的人邀请我去庆功宴，虽然我都不算帮上什么忙。
和一班奖学金得奖者说话的时候，顿时发现，这些人能得到奖学金，果然是非同凡响！
他们都是很有责任感的人，不只是聪明而已。
玩是玩，读书是读书，做事情拿捏都很好，知道什么时候是疯癫，什么时候适可而止。
而且，最重要的是，他们的知识都非常广，用的词汇，是我前几天才学到的。
问题来了。
这是否意味着，对我这样的人来说，拿奖学金的机会，是少于1%？
我知道自己是个怎样的人，以目前的状况来说，拿奖学金是几乎不可能实现的事。
而且，我也发现，我接受我自己的所作所为，但我还没准备承担起它的责任。
譬如说，我这人赞同人生为什么要约束，人生的步伐就应该慢点，不要再仓促；
但另一方面，我希望自己能赚很多钱，有本事有买什么就买什么。
孩子要让他学什么，就付得起什么。
这一切，是写意生活的写照吗？不是。
这一切是生活步伐快速的生活。
当然，我是没问题，只是看我愿不愿意持续坚持付出。

啊！听田馥甄的《你还是要幸福》听到太emo了！
不行不行~
好现在要继续加油了！
记得，休息，是为了走更长更远的路。

What happened to me?!!!

Changes in life: counselling

These days I realised I unintentionally dealt with the problems of some friends which sorta unexpected to me.
I was grateful for that, as to counsel is always my passion, but I realised there are certain things changed.
I tend to look down on people, I don't know whether this is my best description.
I guess I'm just to realistic, because I'm too blunt.
Ok, phew, so I don't exactly ook down on people xD
It's like, I speak the truth. As much as I would want to light up some hope within them, I just couldn't help but want them to wake up and see the reality.
Now that's ruthless! but I guess I have to say that's me. Hence, I try to be cautious on this point in the future whenever I'm dealing with problems.
Because of this, I start to think whether or not I'm fit to take up a job as a counselor.
Hmm...I guess it isn't that related after all isn't it?
I want to do pre-childhood education, like kindergarten teacher sort of stuff.
It doesn't involve any counselling isn't it? It just involves love and caring right?

I would love to tell people that it's ok it's alright PROVIDED things are REALLY GONNA BE ALRIGHT.
I'll never have the guts or the skills to tell people it's ok it's alright when things are obviously not gonna be alright.
but you know, to do that is actually legit, because when people have hopes, even if it's a false hope, it might motivate them to work harder, and eventually, maybe miraculously achieve what they want!

I think I better not take up counselling as a job.
Imagine how hard it is when you already found a solution but then, there goes a lot of "but this...but that..."
which would literally make you speechless.
And at that point, you have to squeeze your brain so hard but remain a calm and warm smile in front of them.
I would declare myself a god if I could do that!

Basically that's what I wanna say here.
I'm just too scared to be myself in fron of them.
I'm worried I might make things worse than making it better, like..committing suicide.....

Hmm~another thing that I realised is that things do change in life.
I do not really believe in following your dreams, because I think that the more you're exposed in life~
the more factors there are that would make you hesistate in your life directions.
The usual case of following their own dreams since their young would be people that would make history :/
I used to want to be a bridal gown fashion designer, then a historian, then a singer, then an actress, then a lawyer, then a teacher...........see how scary it changes.
but decisions still has to be made eventually, that's why I believe in going with the flow.
Because the decisions made when you don't think too much but instead go with the flow, are usually the right decisions.
and it might turn out better than we would ever imagine!
So yeah~if I ever snatched the opportunity to go UK and do law, I wouldn't mind if it's not my no.1 interest really~
because it's freaking UK!!! I mean if I change my mind, all the effort, not just my effort but my parents too are wasted!
I don't mind mine, but I mind my parents'!
So yeah~why not jsut go with the flow and let's see how things turn out! It might be better than we expected :)

That's all for now! Au voir~

这个世界上还有很多需要和值得关心的事。
没有你，我也能活得很好！ :)

最艰难的测试

刚和朋友谈天，才发现……前提，我不是想误会，只是忽然涌上来的一个想法。
才发现，他，是不是在测试我？
你给我的答案很模糊，我真的至今还不明白你想表达的是什么，只是一味的逃避，告诉自己别再想太多。
好像问你为什么，但我不敢；我试过了，得到的只是一场不愉快的争执。
我不知道你会不会看到我写这些东西。
我也很想得到个答案，非常非常迫切地~但我不敢。
我不敢去冒那个险再一次砸坏我们的友情，我认为它已经有裂痕了。
或许是我想太多，但你会不会是在测试我？
看我痛苦很好玩吗？还是不甘愿看我还能这么自在，那些是装的，至少在你眼前是。

也不再像从前那样地关心了，无论我说了什么。
难过、开心，也不能和你分享，因为我害怕你。
我害怕，我只是你万中之一的朋友，这样做只算是烦恼。

心碎了那么多次，却还是很不听话。

如果你是在测试我也好。
那我能有个很完美的理由来完全结束这种折磨。
我能有信心地完全忘了你这个人。

Proud :)

Okay, this is gonna be really short I swear.
Today I've achieved 2 things that I'm super proud of.
1) I'm the first one to finish my lunch, I mean FIRST. Even faster than the girl who's always the fastest
2) I finally used the treadmill and I managed to run(walk) consistently and burned 121 calories!!!! (not sure whether that's a
lot XP)