Daunting

Daunting. I just learnt this word today, it is defined as something that demotivates you, or in hokkien you call it lau kui.

I think I'm having a mix feeling now. it's daunting and terrifying.

Can't believe this little girl can make me so fearful of my future.

I was just listening to Kimberly Chen's song and found out that she actually trained for JYP in New York before. This used to be my dream and I almost could touch it but I held back.

Anyway, I guess not just her, it's things around me that starts to haunt me.

In 10 days, most of my friends are leaving, as when are we going to meet again is an unanswerable question, 10 years after probably, who knows. These are people that I have spent 80% of life last year with. Day and night, month and year we lived under the same roof, spent our lives together and suddenly, we only have 10 days left together.

The truth is, in less than a month it marks the end to my life as a "socialite" or a "princess" or whatever you call it and I'm scared. I don't know where to go after this. Every step I take forward is terrifying. You're excited but you're scared. The horrifying vision of me screwing the car of my instructor up while driving just....daunting, yes daunting. I felt like a total worthless dust. I can't even do a simple thing, what should I do then? Will my life end up like this, like everyone else, get a job here, get a family and the end. Is this all? IS THIS ALL? After spending my year and a half in this big world of KTJ, seeing people with big dreams and able to afford them, IS THIS ALL I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR?!

Singing. Till today it's still the best thing I could do, but how far can I go. I'm tired of chasing something that is uncertain, something where you won't know where the future holds. There are tonnes of young talented starlets out there fighting for an opportunity, sure the parents' money also plays a part. I'm just speaking the ugly truth, I'm a Malaysian Chinese, how far can I go in this industry?

Gahhh, this sounds so sulky.

Actually, I don't wish for anything much. I only hope that I could clear myself up and see what's the thing that I could spend my entire life for it. Then get a job, get a family, get a life, full stop. I don't have to be Madonna or Lady Gaga, I work for what I do best and what I love most, I get what I want, I'm contented.