I think I might need this until final ends to save me from the chaotic mental and spiritual conflicts.
I've had 2 significant deaths, recently another departure. I guess most people think I'm being a little bit over dramatic grieving it, because well it's not like we'll never meet each other again. The thing is, it's not easy for me to absorb all this shock waves while dealing with exam stress at the same time. Instantly everything just sort of came back and attacked me, all the anxieties, fears and overthinking.
What would my daily life be without this person anymore? It would feel so weird, like something's missing. Or, that moment when you realized they're not there anymore when you are about to call them out.
But to think from another perspective, it could be a new chapter of their lives and our lives; just that they came a bit faster than we all expected. Like it or not we are sort of forced to adapt to this new environment, yeah like it or not. Like it or not we need to tell ourselves ultimately everything is gonna be ok. Maybe things will turn for the better, we'll never know. All we can do is to believe and if we believe it will be better, it will be better. I think it's called faith.
So here comes the best part. This morning I woke up anxious and paranoid, at the end of the day I feel kinda...gratified. I'm thankful for everything I have now. I'm thankful that for everything that happens, whether it's good or bad, I've learn to look on the brighter side even if it looks pretty dim. Most of all, I'm thankful that after so many things that happened around me which seems like it's going to bring me down, I have lived through it, outgrown it.
A 4am thought. Nites peeps.
