小幸福

昨晚我又回家为了过年。说实话，今年应该是我在20年中最不觉得兴奋的一个新年。主要原因是因为去年同时失去了外公外婆，所以过年不怎么令我兴奋的。

外公外婆过世后，自己也看到了父母还得打理许多他们的后事，也触及一些敏感课题难免在沟通上有些摩擦……总之，看到家人每日都是身心疲惫、憔悴的；每天就是过着争执的日子、整个屋子的氛围也不怎么好。

这次回来了，虽说是过年，可气氛也没怎么好。幸好有了灯笼、红彩、能让我们暂且忘掉那些烦恼。所以说，“过年过节”似乎是个很好的借口。除了家事，再加上我个人的烦恼；差一点就要在部落格大发泄了，幸好及时却步。

然而此刻，我似乎感受到了所谓的小幸福。全家人坐在客厅里，爸爸开着50年代的经典新年歌，我在这边则边听边写部落格。一件小事却能让我销毁之前所有的负面情绪，这种幸福是言语无法形容的。

除了小幸福，我会把此刻烙印在脑海里，让我时刻都能记得我曾经这么有幸能和我的家人，父母一起这样过年。外公外婆的过世，也让我懂得珍惜自己的父趁他们还在世。所谓，“树欲静而风不止，子欲养而亲不在”啊！

请原谅我生锈的中文，感觉好像在写小学作文 xD 是时候好好磨练它了！

The 2.30am inspiration

I've been picturing of all kind of possible scenario of us, a lot of  "what if"s, ups and downs...everything.

One of them is where I tell you 

"I don't need anything, I just want to know if I'm someone special to you. I don't want be just friends. I want to be a friend that you'll need; a friend that you will think of when you need someone."

And then you can't stand me bugging you, thus perfunctorily tell me "Yeah yeah you're an important friend to me." And then le me becomes a happy girl.

Thinking about it, does that really makes me a happy girl? Does that mean I can stop thinking once for all? 

I doubt that. I might even want more.

A lot of times, I like things to work the way where everything is stated clearly black and white, because that makes things easier. I guess to a certain extent this is me taking things for granted. I always want things to be prompt, quick and settled in a snap. And I tend to ignore those petty feelings that build the whole relationship. "Rome wasn't built in one day", I guess this is applicable here.

A lot of times, a lot of things work in a lot of ways. Can be thousands, how can a single brain figure the perfect solution? But yet I've always yearn for the perfect solution because it provides the clearest direction. Makes things easier and convenient.

Speaking about convenience, I always yearn for that too, and therefore failed to see the middle part that connects the dot from the top till the end. 

I guess, relationships are not like maths, you don't calculate the exact answer. It is a subjective question. Anything is possible, anything could happen. Patience is definitely a virtue here but don't wait for too long because they might just slip away. Then how do you take the balance point?

I suppose, you will know when the time will come. Something will just feels right. If you've been struggling and sacrificing such big part of your life for nothing in return, I don't think we should invest further in that relationship.

But not to say that relationship should be profitable or to gain something in return, if you feel like life has been treating you badly and nothing is in progress, probably getting worse, I believe in trusting our instinct and letting it go. When the right time comes, we will know it. I hope this will be a simpler way to get a happier relationship.

Note: This post is done without my glasses on, in the middle of my sleep.