distressing theorem

Sore throat, allergies, unfinished work, dull family, not enough $$!!!
I feel the abstract stress choking around my neck!!!

The whole week I tried to be conscious about every single thing that I'm doing so that I make sure I didn't do things that will let time flies instead of crawling or walking.

Yes. I did waste time, on TV and internet I guess~

ok, leave that aside, I was told to even give up on watching TV in order to score a scholarship.

I have to get a scholarship or else going to UK is completely impossible.

I used to think it's ok to spend a little more $ because I still have the chance to get a scholarship.

Now that that dream had burst, I really don't know what to do except for saving $.

I get really sensitive and angry nowadays if we spend $ on things that I think is unnecessary~because I know there's still more expenses had to be spent in this year.

Having a scholarship is not an alternative anymore but a must in order to get me to UK.

I really don't know what I'm doing right now is worth it or not~

I realized I tend to avoid my academic stuff when I face difficulties because those difficulties just freaks me out!

The worst part is no one is there for me when things looks bad~

Whenever I start to talk, they'll start frowning and open their sentences with"After half a year and all the $ spent~"

All I can say is that I'm just saying, there's no big deal about it.

It is a big deal in me.

I won't lie. Law doesn't seem to like me very much.

I'm trying really hard to get familiar with it but it just ignores me.

Tell me please~that this is just a turning point that everyone will face in their life at least once.

That might make me feel better.

I want to success. like....seriously successful.

I expect myself being in UK, able to deal with serious business.

Until now, this seems to be more than I can dream, I just couldn't imagine myself like that.

Tell me please~it's ok, it's alright~

You're good in this, you just didn't notice that~

Lie to me. I rather you lie to me than telling me the ugly truth.

I even try to lie to myself.

Because I know there's no more turning back after I made my choice.

It feels really bad and rotten when you're down and you try to consult someone that you can trust and all you get is

"Then what do you want me to do?!"(with a frowning face)

now I understand why people commit suicide~it's not that they didn't try...

They tried but people just wouldn't listen~and in the end they are still the ones to be blamed for being stupid and ending their lives.

I'm not that stupid.

I want to see how far my life can go if I do my best until the day God really wants me.

I do hope to see myself at 80 years old.

I want a change.

That's why I learnt things about how and what to do to love myself.

The two words "Love Myself" is very strong because it is the only thing that could drive me to strive for a better me and better future.

I'm still living the life I used to live until I can imagine myself in 5 years time, still living like a loser, a lazy bug.

I want to be motivated. I want to learn things that I've never learn before, for example, baking.

I want to find new excitement from it.

I can't. I'm still my parents child and I have a tendency to follow whatever my parents said.

I can't bake because my mum doesn't have enough time to bake together.

I don't wanna bake alone for my first time!

I can't go swimming because my siblings have loads of tuition that they couldn't miss~there's never a time for them to let me swim.

and some said I don't even have enough time to study~which hints that I shall do nothing other than eating, sleeping and studying.

IS THIS FAIR?!

I avoid. Avoid by trying to look for new excitements from the net but sadly I can't find any.

I have to excel in sports in order to get my scholarship.

I'm horrible in sports. Literally.

Am I trying to hard to push my limit~what if i breakdown?

I'm so afraid that the road I've taken is the wrong path again...I don't wanna get it wrong anymore~

but things just feel so stressed when I have no choice but to get a scholarship and I MUST get into the top universities like Cambridge so that I can secure a scholarship. I can't imagine how would that man react if I fail to get into Cambridge. I would so be blamed for making the wrong choice and taking the wrong course.

I was forced to take accounting but I don't want because I've already chose law.

However, it's still nice to care about me by buying those books~

but I can't finish those books. It's just pure stress.

I want everything. That's the problem.

I can't afford to lose anything.

but I couldn't cope everything.

It's devastating to know that if you don't meet the bar level, you're not going to UK.

I'm already half way to UK.

I don't know being in my school is a great choice or not but I'M ALREADY HERE.

I'm not gonna waste any time or flush those cash away by gaining nothing but memories.

Those memories would be way too expensive.

However to achieve that I have to be SERIOUSLY GOOD.

I'm not blaming any party but seriously, I'm not born to be a genius.

The guy who's going to Cambridge, his parents are doctors.

I'm not trying to say that only professionals' children are able to get into prestigious universities but I hate to hear people telling me that "Just work hard, you can do it~"

Well that may sound really pleasant but work hard, in other words means, nothing except for sleeping, eating and studying.

That certainly is giving my best but I doubt any man kind would be able to do that.

traits and genes definitely play a part in here, maybe a small one, but still, a part.

Leaving aside anyone that's involved for not getting me into prestigious universities, I deeply regretted for not working hard enough and fooling around throughout my high school years.

I wouldn't doubt that it had enhance my creativity in performing arts a lot~but I had to pay a whole lotta price there...it's not that worth it though~

Maybe whatever that I'm going through right now is just a taste of the real world~

it indicates that I have to work really hard to stand out among competitors.

That's why they keep saying that how am I going to face the real world if I can't even handle this kind of problem~it sounds really devastating but yeah~it's true in some sense~

Well actually, I'm sort of a spoil rotten baby in some way because I start to feel the stress on me when I start to do house chores, for example.

Like what happened on Wednesday, mum knew my burning passion to kick off baking ASAP~so she just told me to fry rice on my own that afternoon. My first reaction is feeling like a maid and nobody cares about me anymore~

but it's a good way to be independent.

But I have to say, it's pretty late to be independent.

and it's unfair to throw me something without any guidance.

ok I admit it, I did not observe when she's cooking but...idk...it feels really harsh on me :(

It feels like a baby thrown into the jungle to survive on its own~

Nevertheless, I should not aim too high, I mean I don't think I can secure everything although it's possible to achieve in this world but sorry, it's just not me.

Yeah, I've gotta learn to say no to some things because it doesn't make you a loser anyway~

All I can do is do my best~I won't try to push my limit now(or else I'll die or suffer) but I have to be ready for every highs and lows. Be happy when it's good news but don't be too sad either if it's bad news.

That's how I'll be happy in life because I CHOSE MY LIFE.