Untangle the knot

I used to have a dream too.

I'm not saying that I'm giving it up now. I'm going to say that, I wouldn't mind if I gave it up, if I could get money and a stable life in exchange.

Will I be happy? Well~I can't guarantee that. I can only visualize myself putting on a smile everyday, expecting an average amount of happiness in my daily life.

But imagine if I chose my dream over a normal average life.

I might endure hardships and struggle that have me sighing and probably crying all day. But, I would be expecting laughter and tears with abundance of happiness, being blessed that you've experienced something that is extremely precious and priceless.

Sometimes, I hate myself for accepting the cruel reality. For following everyone just to be "normal". I think that my dreams only belong to losers.

I've succumbed to "what if..." dare not imagine myself being the outlier, refuse to believe in miracles happen. But I want my effort to bear fruit! A guaranteed one. I dare not commit or work hard in something that I have no faith in, even though I really liked it.

Just watched the school's musical just now. It brought me back a few bittersweet memories when I first came here. The sweet ones are those when I remembered how beautiful was Saiful's singing, that was my first time seeing him singing, it was MIND-BLOWING. The bitter ones are when I was so determined to be involved in the cast of the musical after I watched the other musical at the beginning of my time here. I succumbed.

Succumbed to the lack of time for studies, I couldn't bear the risk.

But look at them, look at my friend. He came later than me, he just joined because he wants the experience, the thrill! Don't care if this takes up a lot of time, as long as he manages it well~In the end, they've got the one that I wished I had.

Not just about the musical, but after seeing a few cases in this school, among people, I realized that to achieve our dreams, if we work hard enough it'll DEFINITELY pay off. It not just merely rely on miracles anymore! Might not be before 30, might be when we're 80, but who cares! If we've experienced that in life, we die without regrets right?

Looking back with the days where I refused everything with the silly excuse of studying, I wasted my time. I didn't really pay attention to my studies because it wasn't my number 1 interests. In the end, nothing really paid off. I know I wouldn't be "multi-tasking" if I were doing singing or vocal stuff. I will work my butt off just to guarantee a 100% result that I'm satisfied with. SEE! I can do it! I can work as hard as others!

I don't know if this is true, but I guess it's in we Malaysian blood, particularly students, we could do anything even though we don't really enjoy or just simply hate it. We still achieve results as if we were geniuses. So I guess I can do it, you know, though I didn't really like studying, but I enjoy learning! I think I could get through studying smoothly, no more regrets and pain anymore :)

I used to see studying and getting good grades is just like being a slave to our parents, being manipulated which ever way they like. Now no more. I rather see it as the best way for me to pay back all their efforts for me. It's not even enough actually. So yeah! After paying back my parents, it's time for me to pay back for myself, achieving things that I want to, enjoying things that I want to!

Speaking about miracles, I used to think it as something silly and ridiculous and childish. But now I guess, it wasn't that bad after all. I guess it's just like the sparkle, the moment that makes life and the world more beautiful :D