Just stayed in Grace's room for at least half an hour waiting for her to finish talking to her darling.
I didn't mean to eavesdrop but somehow the scary feeling of lonesome suddenly attacked me, gradually grew as they continue to discuss about each other exams.

Completely unrelated, but somehow it reminded me of the wounds and scars that I never intend to open it again as time goes by.

Old matters. I started to think back my journey in this school. Wasn't completely an unpleasant one, but sometimes I can't help wondering, did I simply just wasted my time here? These 2 people talking now are going to meet up in UK somehow, someday. Does it even matter if they don't see each other after speech day?

Where will I be? These are my friends, friends that I wished I could go through my life with them in another chapter in UK. Sadly the truth for me isn't like this. I tried convincing myself that I have a greater freedom and more options to choose my next destination. But sometimes, I just feel tired and wanna release all the pressure around me. I'm tired. Neither mentally nor physically. Just like now. I wanna just sit or lie down and talk to someone. I wonder, is this the real me? Is the real me someone this sad and everything else, happiness are nothing but a lie? a sham?

Is this some cycle of my hormone or something. It comes regularly, something like the menstrual period. It just occurs. Or is it because it is the point where I've reach the peak of happiness until it is numb to me, I can feel no more exhilaration in it anymore? So it goes back to the starting point and repeat all over again?

Or is it simply because today wasn't my best day? I previously mentioned how today is a good day as I achieved some new things in life, but on the other hand, it didn't all go well. My blanket shrank, my only mug went missing, my account got blocked, all in one day.

I could feel the accumulation of frustration from the moment my account got blocked. Therefore I tried talking to people about it, hopefully it would ease my heart a little. Who knows, a conversation which is completely unrelated to me, actually, accidentally hit my soft point and sailed me back to those painful memories.

I actually thought of crying, or maybe storm out of Grace room, wait till she comes to my room. My heart can't stop struggling. Words on the economics textbook seemed like nothing to me, nothing went into my brain, except for those struggles.

I wanna cry. I really feel like crying. Grace's computer has some soft music, I think it's some chinese song by Lala, made me even emo now. Now I understand, a feeling worse than crying is being unable to cry when you desperately wanna cry.  either unless you cry