stronger

I hate attending gatherings.

I mean I love attending it, but it always gives me the nostalgic feels that make my tears desperately want to gush out! I hate that, especially when the day of graduating is getting nearer and nearer.

Sometimes I feel, the nostalgic feel is merely an excuse. The truth is, I'm lonely. Not that I don't have a mouth to talk, I just don't have the brain or the nerve to connect myself with others. What should I talk? seriously what should I talk? I tried following the way those people talk but mine somehow sounds lame.

So many things passing through my mind whenever I attend this kind of gathering, that's why I hate it.

Nevertheless, just now me and Lois was taking a stroll around the school on our way back to our respective houses. The breezy wind, or the windy breeze (whatever) is just so cooling that you have to urge to run and jump freely! Maybe with a little singing to shape it into perfection. It feels like the most wonderful vacation is awaiting for you and luring you to join them when you definitely cannot or should not. 

Well, we didn't talk much but I was thinking about the word "stronger". For example I was exercising just now in the evening and I see people running like an athlete with that fit body. The pace of their footsteps is just overwhelming. I wondered how did they do that. I will then ask myself, am I that weak? Is it impossible for me to be as determined as them when I run or do any other exercises? Then I thought, or should I be stronger? In the sense that, my will should stay stronger. Whenever I feel weak, especially after exercising like today, I will tell myself to be a little bit stronger. In a split second, I felt better, so much better and stronger. 

Stronger, for me doesn't necessarily mean to be physically stronger. Even mentally, or psychologically I want to be stronger. I want to be more courageous in attempting something, something new! Something exhilarating! All these years I feel like I lack that little spark of courage. I know I am a wild spirit deep down inside but somehow I'm caged in the so called stereotype of people, which means in every action I do, every decision I made, I will choose the safest because that's a guarantee answer and nothing wrong can happen. This reminds me when I was young I tend to be rebellious and most decisions I made weren't the stereotypes. But again and again I was hurt because in the end everything seems to be wrong. Guess I just gave up on that. 

Wait...no decisions should be wrong. Legally, nothing is wrong. My decisions made in the past were not wrong. I guess I just got lost and stuck in the middle. Adam Lambert's new song Never Close Our Eyes mentioned: Let's all stay in the moment and stay open to all possibilities. We have the power to create our reality. Indeed, so, decisions. They have nothing wrong as long as you stay clear in that moment and make sure every decision you're making in the next step leads to you to the path you desire. I think courage is the word. Dare is the word. We have the power to create our own reality. Anyway, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.